分手冷知识

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一对情侣，当交往或同居一段时间，认为彼此“夹”得来时，通常会步入婚姻殿堂，不然便选择以分手告终。终结这种亲密关系可能比离婚更痛苦，因为这不是夫妻关系，社会不太认同，同居情侣从社会得到的支持和谅解较少。

   通常“分手”的循环都是这样的：

   1.不满：双方在这段关系已得不到快乐。问题变成分手的证据。

   2.讨论：双方作出讨论，关注问题所在，尝试解决分歧。

   3.终结：用尽所有方法都未能解决分歧，终结关系。

   4.执拾细软：整理思绪和衣柜，各行各路。

   5.新开始：重新适应和调整自己的社会身份，即单身身份。

   在一段关系中，当一方或双方发觉关系出现变化时，就是所谓的“转折点”。有些情侣因第三者介入而分手，有些则不是。提出分手的一方可能会有些哀痛和内疚，不过最强烈的感觉是“解脱了”。被人抛弃的一方当然会非常伤心，随之而来的是失望、心碎、极度愤怒。从最初否认到极受打击，也有可能出现抑郁和暴力行为。分手可以是痛苦和丑陋，但亦可以是很开明，并且令你成长。

   分手的原因有很多，最常见的原因如下：

   不平衡/公平的关系：某方全心全意付出而另一方只懂坐享其成。

   显露真面目：当一段关系成熟后，不太好的“真我个性”渐渐表露在双方面前，令对方失望。

   知识：外表当然是燃起爱火的其中一个因素，但要与知识并存，才可把恋情延续下去。

   核心价值：双方最基本的核心价值一定要对等，才可将关系升华至另一个层次。

   外表吸引力：如双方的打扮满不在乎，经常无精打采，就是对自己外表过早松懈，某方穿得太“轻便”会令对方和其他人侧目 。

   琠葞差距：严重的年龄差距问题不会在恋情初阶段出现，但此问题慢慢会浮现出来。

   有些女人爱“假装”分手，以为争吵后作补救是很浪漫的事，有些女人以“分手”作武器，表示不满、展示控制力或强逼男方作出某些承诺，以为这样做可令关系更进一步。事实上，这些方法既无聊幼稚之余，更有潜在“危机”，因为每一次伤害都会留疤，这些方法只会令对方反抗，令关系更早终结。

   如果你是结束关系的一方，记住提分手的理据充足，基于事实提分手，而不是因流言蜚语而抛弃对方。在分手前，大家可列一个表，记下他/她的优缺点，认真考虑，问问自己和对方分手是公平和合理吗？如果你最终都是决定分手，就要速战速决，不要拖泥带水。分手时要友善和干净利落。

   如果你是被抛弃的一方，记住要“自重”，不要自我沉沦或再等待。大方地放手吧！当然你可以哭泣、感到愤怒和伤心，但这种状况维持一至两星期便要结束，不要无了期继续沉沦痛苦和失落之中。找些有意义的事做，令自己忙碌一点，走出痛苦的深渊，不要被抑郁的情绪打倒。

   －向追随启发潜能及管治心理素质之道的“正向心理学”强调“分手”亦有许多好处，生活继续向前，腾出空间，思考其他更重要的事，例如日后的恋情关系。换言之，大家要从中汲取教训，尽快从情伤中复原，了解自己更多，开展人生新一页。

   （按：中文内容乃翻译及撮写版本）

Breaking Up

When a dating or cohabiting relationship works out, the couple will normally head for marriage. When it doesn’t, they will break up. The termination of such an intimate liaison can be more painful than divorce because these relationships, being non-marital, are less socially recognized and therefore gets less understanding and support from society.

The cycle of breaking up usually looks something like this:

1.Dissatisfaction –Either party is no longer happy with the status quo. Problems are becoming evident.

2.Discussion-Both talk things over, address the problems and try to work out their differences.

3.Termination –All rescue attempts to no avail, all solutions exhausted.

4.Tidying Up –Cleaning up memories and closets, going separate ways.

5.New Beginning –Re-inventing one’s own social identity, now minus one.

There is always a “turning point” in the dynamics of a relationship when either or both parties suddenly realize that it’s over. Some break ups are caused by a third party, some are not. The one who initiates the dissolution of the relationship may feel a bit of pain, a bit of guilt, but mostly a sense of relief. The one who is being “ditched” is the grieving party, reaction may vary from disappointment to hurt to extreme anger, from denial to devastation, from depression to perhaps even violence. It can be bitter and ugly, but it can also be liberating and grows you up.

There are many reasons why a relationship fails, the most common are:

唠渀攀焀甀愀氀 involvement in the relationship-One party has been doing most of the giving and the other, the taking.

吠爀甀攀 Colour –as the relationship matures, other latent characteristics of a  partner’s personality are beginning to surface, and such revelations are disappointing.

Intelligence – Appearance is important to ignite a relationship, but intellectual compatibility is required to sustain it.

Core Values – The fundamental core values have to be congruent before the relationship can move forward to the next level.

倠栀礀猀椀挀愀氀 Attractiveness – Either party becomes lackadaisical with appearances, letting go too soon. One person’s “comfort” is becoming irksome to the other.

Age Difference – Serious age differences not noticeable during the initial phase of a relationship are slowly becoming apparent .

Some women like to “feign” break ups, thinking the make-up after a fight is ever so romantic. Others use it as a tactic to stamp feet, display displeasure, to exert control or to force the man into commitment of sorts thereby bringing the relationship to the next level. In fact, this kind of game is juvenile and outright dangerous because every cut leaves a scar, such games could well backfire and push for an early demise of a relationship instead.

If you are the one ending a relationship, make sure your reasons are valid, and your decision is based on facts and not hearsays or conjecture. Write down a list of all his/her merits and faults ,take a good hard look and ask yourself if you are being fair and reasonable? If you then con-clude this is so, end it quickly and properly, do not drag it out. Be kind, clean and charitable.

If you are the one being ditched, sustain your self -respect, do not grovel, do not try to hang on. Let go graciously. Sure you can cry, feel angry and hurt, let it all out for a week or two, but do not wallow in misery for any extended period of time. Engage in some busy and meaningful project immediately, get out from the abyss of grief and do not succumb to depression.

Positive psychology in fact stresses the up-side to breakups. Releasing the relationship and the person from the mind and daily thoughts allocates more space to think about other important things, including future relationships. In other words, learn from your mistakes, heal quickly. Get hold of yourself and start a new life.
转载于：经济通